Finding a felt supplier online isn’t easy, unless ordering massive amounts from India or China….selection is limited. Found a few resources that all work out about the same price-wise, and have figured out that buying by the yard works out to be the cheapest…as well as buying ’synthetic’ felt made from recycled plastic bottles. I’d actually prefer to order/work in wool, but at this time have to keep the cost as low as possible. It’s already working out to be twice what I’d hoped. The $100.00 experiment is now the $200+ experiment!

I think the categories I have are good. I’ve done a great logo (imho). Come up with the cheapest possible packaging that’s nice at the same time. Have the website pretty much ready to go. All I need to do at this point is order the materials to get started. Then sit down and make up the original prototypes for each design, the patterns, instructions. Take photos for the website & Etsy shop…and then see how it goes (w/ fingers crossed).

Bothering me that the color selection is as limited as it is, but nothing I can’t work with. If necessary I can always pop into walmart or fabricland or something, to buy supplimental pieces of wool or other…if I need a certain color not available from the place I’ll be ordering. For instance there’s not a lot of pastel colors…especially a soft, butter-cream yellow. And some of the designs in my head call for softer, muted tones….rather then the bright, primaries. I ‘ll make do.

Is friggin’ snowing outside! >:(

Anyway…now I just need to find the gumption to actually spend the money. That’s the hard part for me!!!

Haven’t been able to sleep well the last couple of weeks. Fawn mentioned that it’s the body’s way of getting me use to getting up every couple of hours once the baby’s born. Makes sense…since every couple of hours how often I’m waking up. This morning it was 4am. Way too early to be of any use at all….except maybe a blog post.

I’m 37 weeks. Measuring at 40 weeks. So, even though the official due date is March.1st…could be any time now. Remarkably calm, and freaking out at the same time. Does that make sense?!? Not sure how I’m feeling, exactly. I’m not really in the throws of that mentality where women get to the point where they just want their body back, and want to have (face to face) their baby to hold and fondle. Not that I’m not looking forward to those things, just that……this part…the being pregnant part…I’ve gotten fairly use to. The rest is unforeseeable, and unnerving. A much more serious chapter I am assuming. Bringing out the procrastinator in me.

Sorta running out of things to keep myself occupied, where the baby is concerned. I’ve got all the essentials together (hopefully), sewn up most everything. Have washed it all, and put it away. My labor bag is ready to go, and now it’s a waiting game. I’m doing fairly well keeping my blood sugar levels in a normal range, but the specialist I’m going to now (for the gestational diabetes)…says the baby is slightly large, which is the main issue for GD. I have to go back for another ultra-sound on the 16th. Two weeks ago the baby’s approximate weight was 7lbs 2oz. They’ll take more measurements and (I guess) decide if I should be induced early. Fawn, mom and Lucas are coming down from Toronto to be here with me, and I’d really like them to be present for the birth…to have that support of family…have someone with me for the delivery. But, I also want to avoid the complications of a c-section if at all possible. So…I guess I’ll leave it up to the professionals; something I never saw myself doing, in the whole pregnant scenario. In my mind it was always midwives, home-birth, all-natural. Instead…the reality of it (so far) has been…following along with the allopathic protocol, and not making waves. The doctors and nurses seem to be impressed by my total lack of complaints. I think that might have more to do with me not wanting to segway into any further ‘issues’ involving my health. I mean…I have complaints. I can’t sleep, I’m sore, my back is always in pain. I have pretty constant acid reflux, restless leg syndrom, shortness of breath, etc. But…isn’t that all ‘common’? I don’t want to load my schedule with anymore ’specialists’, and I want to avoid medications as much as possible….whatever they be. All in all, I think the pregnancy has gone smoothly and without problem…for my age, my first pregnancy, etc. I’m just hoping the delivery goes the same.

I’m trying to get comfortable with the idea of being alone during delivery…of having to drive myself to the hospital. I’m still confused on the checking-in process. Like…do I park first, in the parking lot? If it’s an emergency situation…can I just leave the van sitting? I don’t think so. Not that I care about that too much, but it’s hanging somewhere in my mind….dangling.

The weather as well, is driving me batty! I’m so f–king sick and tired of the bleak, cold, darkness. It’s miserable! It’s back down to 21 degrees this morning, with freezing rain. It’s crappy and unproductive, and is adding to that “off” feeling where I don’t know if I want to scream, cry, break down, push forward, or just crawl into bed for another month. Of course, would be slightly different if there was heat in the house. Something more substantial than the space-heaters in use. Is just feeling too ’survival-ish’. Normally wouldn’t bother me as much, except in my condition I yearn to be comfortable, if possible. If nothing else. I want some sunshine!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED SUNSHINE! I want to open up the house and have it fill up with fresh, warm air! Not constantly be wanting to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. I’m tired of a cold toilet seat too!!!

Not much else to say atm. Not much else to complain about. I woke up this morning thinking that after delivery…one of the first things I want to do is sit down to a huge plate of hot pancakes…butter, maple syrup…no rationing. Kinda silly, since I know it’s impossible for me to eat more than 3 at any given time. It’s funny though…how one can look forward to little things like that, and sorta work to keep oneself (somewhat) sane. Good coffee with cream, thick-sliced bacon, and pancakes…off-setting the mac-truck reality of being a new, full-time mom!

Going on 36 weeks (first-time) pregnant, and no need to insist that I’m exhausted, out of sorts, totally uncomfortable, anxious and all over the place with my thoughts and emotions. That said…things on the ‘business’ front aren’t moving very quickly (at all). Trying my damnedest to stay motivated and inspired on some level. Really, truly am.

In the past I’d always rush to “act” on an idea, as I have the tendency to fizzle out a sort way through. Thinking that the solution to that was getting a good running start. Not true. Another part of the problem seems that I can’t leave a good thing, well enough alone. Dormant control issues? Who knows? Something tied into “perfectionism” I think. And, being too hard on myself. Getting in the way of that creative-organic flow everything needs to succeed. So, anyway…trying to convince myself that having more time to think this whole idea through a little, before jumping in…is a good thing. Have no idea if that’s true or not. Maybe this time…I can base it on past endeavors or experience. Maybe this time…it’s different?

So anyway….

Not that I’ve really changed the base idea. It’s still about craft kits. That part works for me. Just changing the approach, perhaps. On the other hand…wondering if maybe the extra time to think isn’t getting me in over my head…mentally. Reason is, I was planning on keeping it as simple as possible…starting out with only 4 kits total…to test the waters. Tweaking the website…I added on. Starting out with the 4 “novelty” craft kits, then “hand-sewing” craft kits. Not sure where that idea came from, but is leading me down a parallel path now…over-riding the original idea. I’m stepping carefully, but all in all I like the direction (I think). There’s something even more whimsical, precious, and quaint about it. Mostly it revolves around felt, and……………I LOVE FELT! On all levels, but…if it’s done ‘right’ (whatever that means)…it’s hard to resist!

I’ve been eying felt for a long time now. Started out with needle-felting, then wet-felting…and now it’s just basic flat-felt crafts for the occasional, or new crafter; something within everyones reach. Still the idea of very simple, easy-to-follow projects…affordable of course. But where I was beginning to find it difficult to round up inspiration…the felt idea has renewed some energy in me…to stay focused on the whole idea.

Thinking to start off the whole thing just with felt kits. Not convinced it’s any easier. Still need a spread of inventory, still need to gather my thoughts and get them down into exact projects, instructions, patterns, etc. Still need to develop the packaging end of things, etc. On that scale it’s not any easier. But something about the delivery, or how it might be received…seems easier. Somehow. Will have to be crafty about it, since it’s not anything new. Searched Etsy, and there’s a number of folks already offering kits. Also…not as broad-based. Seems it would appeal mostly to females. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with narrowing the market at first? Idk.

From where I’m at at this very moment, to making an absolute decision and ordering supplies to start (aka spending money), to actually getting it out there (make or break)…aren’t little steps. A couple months ago I was completely set on going back to making dolls. Put together an entire website, order paperclay, etc. and fizzled out on it. The month before that I was totally set on doing custom stickers and labels…did a website for that as well, spent over $50 bucks on sticky labels and ink…and fizzled out there as well. I really like this craft kit idea…that it’s something not so demanding (time-wise). I have no idea what being a new mom is going to require? A lot I assume, and I won’t have all that idle time to sit and sculpt a doll all day long…un-interrupted, lose myself in painting, or whatever. Plus…gone are the days of working on what I enjoy, then reluctantly putting it out-there to see if it sells (or not). Nope, I have to find something that will sell! Have to. And, without so much energy of myself poured into it! So it’s nearing those feelings of un-validation as an “Artist”, or leaves me feeling exploited on one level or another. It has to be something I can keep at a safe, simple, distance. Something matter-of-fact and sensible. Something organized that makes sense. If that makes sense?!? No more messy arts & crafts spread out all over the place!

I found a few others on Etsy selling felt crafting kits, and these pictures inspired me on that level

My studio looks NOTHING like this! My life looks nothing like this! It’s almost silly how extremely different my life is from this. For sure appeals to my Virgo-ness though! It’s how I’d like my life to be. Here’s another pic that gets me going….the kit assembly line. Isn’t it pretty? Laid out so nice and clean! Like….it’s all so simple and energizing. LOL.

Then….I glance outside at the sunroom slash studio space I have….with no heat. I’t s32 degrees out there right now, and…pitch black. Sorta sucks the wind out of my sails. Far from being anything like the photos above. Not that it couldn’t be that…it’s just not. And, just doesn’t fit into my $100 budget!!! Of course…there will be sunlight (eventually), and warmth….hopefully! And…I am resrouceful and can make do for the most part. I’m not going to get to the point of the pictures above…for a long while. Actually, right now I just want to go back to bed! Too much time spent ‘thinking’ about it….leads to me getting bummed out and frustrated.

I just wish it would get warm and stay warm! That would be a HUGE help!

I consider my an intelligent person, especially comprehensive when it comes to creative, common-sense instructions, and with step-by-step picture for cripes sakes…BUT, this whole cloth diaper thing has my head swimming. I’m familiar with what’s called a Chinese or Indian Pre-Fold, bcuz we used them when my sister was a baby (through a diapering service), with pins and rubber pants. Things have a come a long since then!

Due to over-boggling of my mind…I’ve decided to go the simplest, cheapest route. Not sure how this will work out in the long run, but I pulled out a selection of old t-shirts I don’t wear anymore, and cut them into what’s called “flat-folds”…basically, plain squares of fabric. The standard size for these is 27″ sq. Mine turned out a little smaller, as I could only go the width of the t-shirts, but for a newborn they’ll be fine and there’s stretch to them. They’re not the neatest squares, but they’ll do I think…and I managed to get 20 flat-folds (2 per t-shirt), and a about 18 soaker inserts from the extra and sleeves (triple-ply). Still have to sew those up.

Two things I can’t find at any store were diaper pins and rubber pants. Walmart had rubber pants, but only size 6 months and up. If they had, I would have bought them and been done with it. I was going to order “snappies” online. The T-shaped, rubber snap type closures for diapers, but found the cheapest alternative was diaper pins from ebay (w/ free shipping)….a dozen for $3.50. So, that still leaves me having to find a solution for diaper covers, which leads me back to online searches for free patterns. I’ve got a crap-load of fabrics I can use, and some PVC fabric also. It only makes sense to utilize it, and sew some up.

I realized I have some baby patterns from when I was planning to make baby clothes to sell on Etsy. One of them is for diaper covers. Have a feeling that I’m just going to use that, and try to adapt it a little so it works for a one-size fit all. I think I can do that. I’m also thinking that once I get into making some covers…everything will fall into place and start making sense…and I’ll fall into that weird, cloth diaper making craze that seems all the rage. A craze with a language all it’s own. But for the moment…it’s K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid)!

A SMALL SELECTION OF THE CONFUSION…

FLAT FOLDS	PRE-FOLDS	FITTED	AOI’s (ALL-IN-ONES)
ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL	CONTOURED	INSERTS	WOOL SOAKERS

On top of the basic designs there’s a ton of WAHM’s and Diaper Hobbiest’s that are designing unlimited variations on these. Is there any end to it all? There can only be so many ways to reinvent the mouse poop trap, right? What I have come to the conclusion on…is that the most basic, original concept…the “flat-fold” is the one that washes out the easiest, and dries the fastest, where the most advanced design…the “all in one” (AIO) actually turns out to be the hardest to clean, and takes the longest to dry. So, again to me….simplest makes the most sense.

• Admission forms/papers
  
• Camera/batteries
  
• wallet (ID, Insurance card, debit, cash, etc)
  
• Pregnancy book
• reading material
  
• couple small bottles juice/water + snacks
  
• Change of clothes (loose)
  
• robe, 2 nightgowns, thick socks, underwear
• nursing bra + nursing pads
• body soap, deodorant, lip balm, lotion, maxipads, toothbrush/paste
• some prenatal vitamins
• APPROVED CARSEAT (still need to finish sewing smaller insert pad)
  
• diapers for trip home
• going-home outfit for baby + cap
• blanket
  

first thought that hit me this morning…this out of control energy, where i’m looking at everything from a slight victim stance. that’s not necessarily normal for me. was less of a thought and more of a realization. i never feel “on the ball”, but am usually capable of holding a perspective where i can see pretty clearly that my destiny sits in my own hands. that i’m the only capable of getting myself out (or into) a situation. and that typically it’s some basic requirement of hard work + focus + clear mind + follow-thru.

i told myself that i wasn’t going to fall into feeling sorry for myself in this current situation (of being pregnant). that there was no point in that position. i knew that was going to be harder to pull off as time went on, and…it is. still, on top of that…i think it’s thing of having to go to the doctors all the time, the focus on my health, on me suddenly, where normally there’s no focus on me at all. being so reclusive, and no center-stage, having to put myself out there in general, and the system at work…how it works, how it operates, how others view things. more than that…more important is how i tend to function within that realm. uneasily i suppose, which i why i tend to avoid those situations. bcuz of how i can get caught up in other peoples stories, ideas, perspectives. possibly too flexible in that area? idk.

it’s like this gestational diabetes thing. okay, so my blood sugar is higher than ‘normal’, but…i know it’s all diet related. it’s not some genetic, permanent thing. i know it’s important where the baby is concerned, and…where i’m concerned as well, i guess. but…i don’t feel like i’m being treated intelligently in the situation. more that i’m helpless in all of it. i’m following the diet they gave me, testing all the time, and i’ve gotten the readings down, but they’re still ‘concerned’ that it’s a little over ‘normal’. so now they’ve scheduled me with a specialist. another specialist. and i have to go in twice a week for (non-stress) monitoring on the baby. to me, all that extra stuff is stressful. but in this situation…not really given a choice. always being looked upon as if i’m somehow unfit, or non-serious about all of it. when that seriously isn’t the case at all. i couldn’t be any more serious about something. i’d just prefer to focus on my diet, on me, on the baby…on making all that work smoothly. but instead i feel like i’m being spread thin. i don’t know what i’m trying to say!?!? that somehow i’m being made to feel like it’s out of my hands. but…that’s ust one tiny fraction, of one level of things.

the whole pregnancy…i’ve gotten that perspective from many people. and on top of who i am already…it’s this weird combo, left-right jab thing where i’ve been getting more and more advice on the whole…”it’s out of your hands now” idea. sorta of a softer way of saying, “you’re fucked. and now you have suffer through”. even the idea of having a child…in this society is sorta a “well…….you’ve now officially given up your life”. i can’t really explain it. it’s just weird. and subtle. and it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense (cept on that one level).

somehow i’ve gotten my mind into this position where i’m living at the hands of fate, or reality, or something. where normally i hold myself above that view-point. normally i can always see some sort of way out of everything. ‘out’ as in through, beyond, around…forward. not so much in the realm of escape. despite everyone else always viewing it that way. that’s not what it is. optism i supose vs. pescimism. somehow i’ve fallen into a pescimistic place, and i’m finding it hard to be accountable for that. maybe it’s just that i’m worn down…mentally, physically, emotionally? who knows. i’m going to go with the idea that it isn’t perminent. more a phase. something to be recognized and learned from. somehow get back on my feet, and regain that tenacity of forward and through. of clearing my intent, and making things work. rather than this current unproductive situation of feeling pressured to take account of all that isn’t working. i don’t see the point in that perspective at all!

anyway. no anxiety attacks this morning. still feeling out of sorts. still totally apprehensive, and discombobulated. but…present as possible.

i’ve done pretty well up to this point…with the pregnancy. now there’s this ‘flooding in’ of things. i guess a piling-up of stuff that i’ve been holding at a distance. all if it combined is like some sort of “facing-off” on lots of different levels. face-to-face with myself…is never a comfortable position. woke up this morning in a state of panic, feelings of dread, impending doom, being completely at odds with everything. that’s the way anxiety attacks work. never on a ‘realistic’ level…always blown out of size. a straw here, a straw there…..then a complete buckling of self under the weight.

noticing some compulsive-obsessive behavior of late. the need for distraction…and nothing really working. a magnification of something typical in me. something i have to be more aware of. the lack of objective, de-personalized perspective. it’s hard to say. it’s not that i can’t be distant and hold things at arms length…i do. i’m good at that. and it’s not that i miss any of the details…i don’t. the smallest, stupidest, shit doesn’t escape me. it’s something in between. something missing in the balances. what’s it like?!?!

it’s like the difference between someone that’s been a truck driver for 30 years, and someone that just got their license. the confusion between those two positions. there’s some ancient aspect of myself that glazes it all into something dreamy, surreal, and non-specific. and then another aspect that feels so young and naive…and overwhelmed by it all. all of it escalated by this pregnant state, and the angst of being a new parent.

i’m sure most people would say it’s coming to a point where you can’t mess around anymore…having to get ones shit together, etc. mom-up. and those that insists it’s a state that comes naturally. that clicks in on it’s own. just feels like so much more than that. the juggling of all of it at once. who knows?!? is it a state of not caring enough, or caring too much? not being sensitive enough, or too sensitive? i haven’t got a clue. i’m pretty tired and worn down, and i don’t like that position…i don’t like what that “intention” means. and…it’s just the beginning of how exhausted i’ll be, i’m sure. does that click in too? more energy? more wherewithal? i hope so.

so many levels to address all at once. i’m imaging it’s how a severe drug addict feels when faced with some intervention for rehab. strange but true. move forward or dig in ones heels. the pointlessness of weighing out those factors. fear of the unknown perhaps…a comfort in what’s familiar. it all being up to me. who is me? a waste of time fighting to hold on to the old me, which i know has to change…that i want to change, and worrying about which direction is best.

have to get ready for another dr’s appt. and really…..just want to crawl back in bed on this nice, grey, rainy morning. escape…..what’s always so attractive about it?

Interesting artistic term for feeling out of sorts. Helps when I write. Not anything I can put my finger on. That’s the problem. It’s not one thing to be addressed…it’s a lot of things. I guess I’m saturated…that’s sorta the feeling. One thing here, another there…that usually aren’t even noticeable, are now pinnacle. The tipping point. A slight shift here or there, and it feels like everything is going to slide off my plate. The freezing, dark weather isn’t helping at all. Laying down for a little nap, and waking up where it’s completely dark outside…sucks!

I’m sure the pregnancy is having it’s hormonal effects on me, idk. I’d get anxious before I was pregnant, so it might contribute, but it’s not the cause. Wondering if it’ll get better after the baby is born? If I’ll have more focus, and be better distracted…or it’ll overwhelm me. I guess some of each. It’s not like I can’t handle the bad days…..just maybe that I don’t have enough good days. I don’t know what that means really…”good days”. It’s all gotten to a point where it’s so the same. Sometimes I think that I’ve just gotten soft.

I’m watching “The Office”, it’s my new favorite show on TV. Something very comforting the monotony and mundane-ness of it. Guess I’m resonating on that level lately. I love the idea of that office…day in, day out…where co-workers become like family, and you have some kind of place you fit into…even though it isn’t ideal. It’s where the outside world slips away, and their world revolves around this one small space. No one really understands what everyone else’s purpose is, but there’s a quiet resolve bcuz no one really knows what their own purpose is. It’s left at that. A bunch of misfits that all fit together. And, there’s just something nice about it. Easy.

I yearn for that particular brand of monotony. Like…having a little shop to open everyday…mopping up in the winter, keeping coffee on, dusting shelves. Tallying up at night. I don’t even care what kind of shop it is. As long as it’s useful on some level. It’s not that I have any issues with boring, mundane, day-in, day-out…there’s something about a mover & shaker lifestyle that really puts me off. The artificiality of it all, the out of whack needs & wants that develop, all the acquaintances, and few true friends. I guess I’m getting old, it doesn’t appeal to me.

So what the hells the problem? I don’t know. Maybe just need a good nights sleep and some friggin’ sunshine. Not that I’m ungrateful. I’m not.